One day I looked down at myself in the shower and realised that there was actually hair growing around my nipples. It’s not really that surprising, I suppose. Apparently most men get that, when they begin to mature. But fuck, really, nipple hair? A patch at the small of my back was bad enough to bear. But nipple hair? Christ. It’s like how old men have hair growing from what seems like within their ears. Like it’s sprouting. That’s it, that’s the word: sprouting. My nipple hair never grew, it sprouted at some point without an ounce of my awareness, like some invasive horticultural species ravaging a garden. Have you ever seen hair around a nipple? I mean, really looked at it? It’s not a nice thing to look at. Sure, it could be, you’d have to work at it—but generally speaking, it’s no breast, no flat belly or rounded calf. Just a hairy fucking nipple, no activity or signs of vitality or energy—just a nipple with hair around it. How did I not notice this? I’ve often pondered that since the discovery. Surely, at some point, I’d have seen little pricks of hair coming through; or seen the suds as I washed my chest, gathering around my nipple in a way uncommon to the hairless parts of the body. But no. Because they sprouted one day, didn’t they? Overnight, or maybe a bit longer. Slowly crept in, all about, popping up here, there, a little there and then BAM! That day you have hairy nipples. Probably the same way old Italian and Greek ladies find themselves with a moustache one day—though they don’t seem to care all that much about it by then. Too busy with other things, perhaps. To notice having a moustache. I’m sure other people notice—I know I do. Hell, a lady with a moustache; it’s just not something you see every day. And it seems fundamentally jarring, right? A lady. With a moustache. Sort of like a nipple. With hair all around it. Not exactly a match made in heaven. It’s the same sort of hair that grows from moles, I reckon. Yeah, all crinkly; like pubic hair. So the same hair that grows from your genital region grows around your nipples and around certain breeds of mole. What function does the hair in these parts play? I can’t really see any obvious reason for it’s being. Though I guess I haven’t thought it through all that much until now. To protect the nipple? To cover the mole? Unlikely. It just sort of is. Warmth? It’d be disastrous for a female to experience nipple hair growth. Maybe even relationship ending for some. Imagine a hairy boob. Imagine a hairy-boob themed pornographic film, little hairy porn stars running about stroking each other’s hairy chests, feeling their way through the hair to the barely-visible nipple. Yeah, imagine.