Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Emerald Bun Newspaper, reporting...

Chris Emmerson
November 6, 2010
A seventy-five year old woman was lucky to escape certain death last week when she was allegedly set upon by an agitated flock of birds outside her Del Grandeur home.

Nancy Reich was making her way to the mailbox when the incident occurred, early last Monday morning. Luckily for Nancy, grandmother to fifteen children, the door to her home was left slightly ajar. It was this twist of fate that allowed Spoof, Nancy's courageous two-year-old fox terrier, to follow her into the soon-to-be war zone.

Nancy was attacked as she approached the mid-point between her front door and mailbox,, the birds allegedly "emerging from fiery pits in the ground nearby." Due to her severe lack of agility, Nancy was easy prey for these "beligerent, airborne helmsmen, sent from Satan's realm."

Witnesses say that at no point did anything suggest a supernatural presence and that the birds, who had nested in a nearby shrub, appeared relatively harmless. Nancy's frequent allusions to Satan and the satanic realm have caused neighbours to question her account, with claims emerging that Nancy is actually "mentally ill" and should be put "into an insane asylum." Evidence of this is yet to be substantiated, suggesting that the possibility of Nancy being specifically targeted by Satan is quite high.

Nancy rejects all alternative accounts, claiming that the birds were "on fire, but felt no pain; yes, they were sent from the devil himself, but were no match for my angel Spoof." Spoof, she says, barked relentlessly at the birds, not only allowing Nancy safe passage to the mailbox, but also scaring the avian predators away for the entire afternoon. However, Spoof did not get away unharmed, receiving several small but deep peck-wounds which Nancy refers to as "holy collateral".

Ironically, upon reaching the mailbox, Nancy found that there was in fact no mail. Sources later informed us that the postman hadn't even begun his rounds at the time Nancy was attacked, due to the extremely early hour at which Nancy had decided to check for the mail.

Spoof's wounds healed several days later, due to "divine intervention" according to Nancy. Common sense, however, tells us the wounds healed as part of a natural process, and that Spoof is a silly name for a dog.

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